How to Reconnect With Your Partner After Having a Baby
Reconnecting with your partner after having a baby can feel almost impossible when you’re running on empty.
It’s 3am. You’ve been up every two hours - change, feed, rock, repeat. You crawl back into bed, and they’re snoring. A familiar pang of resentment rises. In those early months, your relationship might not feel like a priority, but creating space to connect is one of the most important things you can do for your family.
In this post, I’m sharing practical postpartum relationship tips to help you and your partner reconnect, even when you’re exhausted and touched out.
Why disconnection happens after having a baby
Sleep deprivation, hormonal changes, the relentless mental load, and the sudden shift in identity can all leave you feeling distant from your partner.
When I talk to couples, one of the most common things women say is:
“I’m just so touched out at the end of the day, the last thing I want to do is have to tend to their sexual needs.”
This is not about lack of love or desire, it’s about nervous system capacity. Which brings us to…
The Window of Tolerance
Think of your nervous system like a window. When you’re inside that window, you can feel present, connected, and able to respond thoughtfully. But when you’re sleep-deprived and overstimulated, it’s easy to tip into:
Hyperarousal — feeling irritable, anxious, “on edge”
Hypoarousal — feeling flat, shut down, disconnected
When you’re outside your window of tolerance, it’s impossible to feel safe and connected to yourself — let alone to your partner.
That’s why one of the most important relationship investments a partner can make is ensuring you have adequate rest, solo time, and emotional support.
Practical ways to start reconnecting
1. Prioritise micro-moments of connection
It doesn’t have to be date nights or grand gestures. Start with 30 seconds of real eye contact, a check-in at the end of the day, or a gentle touch as you pass in the kitchen.
2. Share the mental load
Resentment grows when you’re the one who just knows all the things. Share responsibility for planning, decision-making, and remembering, not just the doing. Download my free Mental Load Guide for a framework to start that conversation.
3. Talk about your needs outside of conflict
Choose a calm moment to share what you need for connection - whether that’s time alone, a deeper emotional conversation, or practical help around the house.
4. Support intimacy by expanding the definition
Reconnection doesn’t have to mean sex. Physical intimacy might look like cuddling on the lounge, holding hands, or a shared laugh before bed.
5. Make space for yourself first
You can’t pour from an empty cup. If you’re constantly depleted, intimacy will always feel like another demand. Reconnection starts with regulation.
Questions to ask yourself
What do I have to gain from prioritising reconnection with my partner?
What practical steps could make connection easier in this season of life?
What might I need to ask for - and am I willing to receive it?
A book I recommend
One resource I often suggest to clients is How Not to Let Having Kids Ruin Your Sex Life: Navigating the Parenting Years with Your Relationship Intact by Dr Karen Gurney. It’s an honest, practical guide that cuts through the shame and offers strategies you can use right away.
When to seek extra support
Sometimes, despite our best efforts, patterns keep repeating. That’s where couples therapy can help — not because your relationship is “broken,” but because you both deserve the tools and space to feel connected again.
I offer:
Wednesdays & Thursdays (5:30–7:30pm) — Online via Telehealth
Fridays (fortnightly) — Face-to-face in West Wollongong (12:30–6:30pm)
Book a free 15-minute consultation here to see if it feels like the right fit.
You don’t need to wait until things are “bad” to reconnect. Sometimes, all it takes is a little attention, a little care, and a willingness to hold both the love and the exhaustion in the same breath.
“Why the Mental Load Conversation Breaks Down – And How to Start It Differently”
If you’ve ever tried talking about the mental load in your relationship and found it spiralling into defensiveness or silence, you’re not alone. The mental load: all the thinking, planning, and emotional labour it takes to keep life running, can quietly build resentment if it’s not shared. But here’s the tricky part: even when couples want to share the load, conversations about it often break down. In this post, I’ll unpack why that happens, and share ways to start the mental load conversation differently, so you feel heard, understood, and supported.
When my son started going to daycare, I remember asking his dad to pack his bag the night before to ease some of the pressure from our already stressful mornings. While I was bathing our son, he called out to me, “What needs to go in his bag?”
I answered instinctively: “Hat, bottle, sippy cup, dummy, change of clothes.”
And then I felt it—that small but familiar irritation rising in my chest. I frowned but buried the frustration. I didn’t have the energy or the words to explain what was bothering me. After all, he was helping.
But the resentment kept growing over the following months. I found myself repeatedly asking, “How did I end up being the one who just knows all this stuff?” Well, because I was the one who had researched and enrolled him in daycare, liaised with the educators, read their policies, spoken to other parents etc. The bag-packing was just the tip of a much larger load.
When I spoke to my therapist about it, she gently suggested I share the feminist comic The Mental Load by Emma with my partner, as a way to open up a conversation.
When I did, he replied, “Yeah Gab. I get it. You don’t have to keep at me about it.”
The conversation was instantly shut down.
Every time I tried to raise a concern, I was met with defensiveness:
“I can’t do anything right.”
“You don’t appreciate what I do.”
And somehow, it always ended with me being the one apologising—for my tone, for being ‘ungrateful,’ for not communicating in the right way. We just couldn’t have this conversation in a way that made me feel seen or heard.
Full disclosure: I’m no longer married to the father of my child. I’m now in a loving relationship with a woman, and from the beginning, I knew that ongoing, open communication about emotional and household labour was essential to protecting our connection. I had experienced firsthand how unspoken resentment—especially around the mental load—can quietly erode even the most committed partnership.
Around that time, I came across the Gottman Method, a research-based framework that offers practical tools for building healthy relationships through emotional attunement, repair, and shared responsibility. I’ve since trained in the Gottman Method as a couples’ therapist, and the insights I’ve gained have been transformational (not just in my work) but in my life.
When I speak to other women, I continue to hear my same story:
“I try to explain the mental load, but every time I bring it up, he gets defensive.”
Most of the resources out there talk about what the mental load is and why it matters. But what’s often missing is how to actually talk about it in a way that doesn't derail the relationship.
That’s why I created a workbook-style guide.
Inside, you’ll find a practical, compassionate roadmap for starting the mental load conversation—with language that builds connection, tools to manage conflict when it arises, and space to reflect on what you really need.
You’re not asking for too much. You just need the right way in. I hope this helps.
Download my free Mental Load Guide for a framework to start that conversation.